


Where is me swamp, Mr Bunnings Man?

by Yenelai



Category: Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Australia, Bunnings - Freeform, Drunk Writing, Global Warming, Inspired by Shrek (Movies), Irish Language, Other, Shrek References, Shrek is Love Shrek is Life, Shrek is perceived as Irish however he is still a swamp man, democracy sausages
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29825673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yenelai/pseuds/Yenelai
Summary: Shrek goes to his local hardware store to search for some meaning in his life.
Relationships: Shrek/Global Warming, Shrek/Onion (Shrek)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Where is me swamp, Mr Bunnings Man?

Shrek was but a wee lad when he was first exposed to the real world. He was used to the dankness of his swamp, but the blistering sun that splintered against his skin was a foreign feeling. It felt like four thousand hundred and thousands were tinkling against his calloused green skin. 

His wary gaze turned to the sun, and he was blinded by the brightness. His swamp has never endured such harships. Where he was used to the sun accommodated to his eyeballs, but here it shined with thr vigour of tweleve home DIY projects. 

Shrek was just here to buy some humble fertilizer for his dying lawn. He had tried to water it with his many salty sea dog tears, but the soil did not moisten. 

He had reached the end of his onion layers, and had little choice. He had to approach the enemy. 

He had to come to.... 

Bunnings. 

With one foot carefully placed against the ‘welcome’ line, Shrek knew he was in oodles of trouble. Before he could even gather his metaphorical noodles, an extrememly helpful staff member asked what he was looking for. 

“Aye, ye wee lass, I wis just lookin for a wee pint of fertiliser.” 

The employee was shocked beyond words. “A wee what?” 

“A wee fertiliser.” 

The employee started crying. “Sir, my mr. Irish man. How long has it been since you have seen the world?” 

Shrek scratched his scratchy chin. “I dunno me wee lass. Perhaps a potato’s twirling time?” 

The bunnings employee touched his shoulder ginergly. “Aye, me wee Shrek. I understand the hassles of life. Sometimes the bird may shit on the grass, and it may create a flower. But the birds... they no longer shit. Their bootyholes have been manafactured to release only love. “ 

Shrek was like, “ahh fuck, can I grow a radish?” 

Bunnings employee, who we did not introduce but their name is Greg, says, “nah bro.” 

Shrek cries, but he understands the limitations of global warming. He clenches both his fist and butthole. 

“One day,” he vows. “One day, it will be.... my swamp.”


End file.
